My editor (aka my mom) knows how much I love the word “and.” In the first drafts of most of my writings, I start about half the sentences with “and.” I write as I speak just to get thoughts to paper, AND then we go back to ensure there is balance and proper formatting. It is with this, my favorite word in mind, that I bring this food for thought…
So, Hubs and I definitely got bogged down over the holiday season; so much so, that even though we were frustrated with each other, we didn’t even put out the energy to fight - a recipe for disaster. Thus when the inevitable blow up occurred, it went supernova. Nevertheless, after sticking with the argument - and even though nothing really was resolved - we both agreed that we felt so much better about the state of the marriage. Just saying your feelings and having them heard can do a world of good.
A lightbulb moment did come from that argument a day or so later.
We were going about a normal day, and maybe a conversation came up about the argument or maybe it didn’t? Maybe I was having a conversation in my head and then started to have it out loud? (Yeah, Most likely the second one.) I end up asking my husband, “Sweetie, rather than saying “but” can you say “and”; meaning that when you say the phrase, “I love you, but…” can you instead say, “I love you, and…?”
To me “but” meant that two feelings could not coexist, that love needed to be put on hold because something else is displeasing. BUT, saying “and” means “I love you and that is not conditional on changing what I dislike at this moment.” This was a simple but powerful change to me. We have yet to really take it for a test drive in a true argument situation; but the early stats in level headed conversations are promising. It is also something I want to take beyond an argument and really put into play in my daily life. I get frustrated and yell at my kiddo, AND I am a good mother. My daughter is having a meltdown at a family gathering, AND she is a wonderful kiddo.
Speaking of my little human…The power of AND can also be applied to those little ones, but in a more fun way than word choice in a disagreement. You can have a “power of ‘and’ playtime.” Pick a low key moment, like coloring or Play Dough. Then, anything that your kiddo wants to do next in that playtime, say, “Yes, and…” For example, “Mommy, can I put my Polly Pocket in my Play Dough?” “Yes! And, we should add glitter.” “Oooo, yeah! And we should get my Barbie’s!”
Can this escalate to a lot of toys at your kitchen table? Yes, AND it can really help increase a connection with your child while also giving them a moment of autonomy in a world that is always telling them what they should do, with little say in the matter.
I am hoping to be more of an “AND” wife and mother because writing about things, no matter how early in the morning, is always easier than actually doing it. But, it matters AND it’s important.